Warning: This talk does not necessarily express my point of view or opinions.

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to look at yourself differently. I wrote a concept article for a not-to-be-mentioned satirical site, to be published under "Hacker Culture". For you to improve. I'll place it literally on the wiki... when it's up. -> here it is. And also available elsewhere.


Hacker Culture

Hackers share a culture consisting of Hackerspaces, politics and visiting conferences.

Hackerspaces

Hackerspaces, aka Dramaspaces, are physical places where people coming from the entire rainbow of the autistic spectrum congregate to celebrate their virginity by touching computers. Hackerspaces have been invented by the New Standards Alliance to flock leftist nerds, reasoning they will keep themselves busy arguing and contributing to endless discussions on various mailinglists with the same people. Now that the NSA is spying on everyone, hackerspaces have become obsolete.

No real hacker has ever visited a hackerspace: it's all make-belief based on the the fantasy that there are, somewhere, white, middle class, males that can dominate everything digital you hold dear. This is false, since hackers do NOT leave their parents basement. So in fact hackerspaces are places for hipsters to work on social crime, making the rich richer, and enslaving young developers to 80 hour workweeks in startups.

A hackerspace is a timeshared basement. This basement can be above ground and is occupied with stainy pizza boxes, computer screens acting as light sources and creepy balding unshaven stinking men aged 25 with a craving for porn. When entering a hackerspace, do mind that you are invading someone's living room: privacy will be a subject.

Politics

The pen is mightier than the keyboard.

Where hackerspaces could be politically-neutral: breaking things and having fun received the left-wing stamp of approval. Skilled politicians came in, giving the illusion that ones opinion matters. Meaning that opinion is their opinion. Having an opinion is easy, it makes one feel they belong somewhere. So this group continues to expand by converting losers and the forgotten into privacy mongering crypto shouters. No nerd left behind.

The activists are on a relentless everlasting rampage to profit from other cultures such as re-purposing everything the hackers hold dear... now calling it "we" and "us". Hackers are them now, another marketing scheme succeeded. Better comply or get ready for some hefty discussions an a pseudo religious level with the converted. Repeat after me: i was born free. PS Activists claim to be the revolution, but if you've been the revolution for 30 years then what are you? Some ancient ruin somewhere still holds a widely regarded invalid statement: hacking is about hacking, less about the consequences.

Conferences

Those who can't do, organize. All around the world conferences are "organized" so nerds can touch their hardware together thinking they are drinking cool aid. The English disguise their failure by providing great beer. The Dutch use corporate prostitution with dubious partners to fund their events. American conferences are an excuse for watching strippers, setting the ideal community standard for women. The Germans are trying for 30 years now and still it's not clear what floor you're on.

Key presentations are basically a sequence of unsourced stories presented by quotable pundits making allegations of which even PETA would be jealous. The independent crowd eats it up like a child eating candy, neglecting this ultimate form of consumerism, living the thing they despise, masturbating to their heroes. European conferences are about American subjects, American conferences are about American subjects. Europe simply doesn't count.

Assange is a manager, manning and snowden are not trustworthy. What exactly did they hack? And more importantly: where are the 3d printed action figures?

Fun fact: while hackers praise public transparency, the money side of hacker conferences is surprisingly quiet.